Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday, friends!

Despite the fact that I have two degrees in English, I never studied any Charles Dickens works in school. In high school, I think the English curriculum was cyclical (or, as Weldon would say, “sickle-lickle”) and I just wasn’t in the right rotation to read any Dickens. As an undergrad, I mostly took surveys, and we didn’t have enough time to read any really long novels. (This is also why I’ve never read any of the famous 19th-century Russian writers, such as Tolstoy or Dostoyevsky, although that’s my reading goal for 2024). In grad school, the instructors pretty much assumed that we had read most of the classics by that point, and the curriculum was designed to expose us to works outside the traditional literary canon. As a result, I know a lot about many obscure works, some by very obscure authors, but relatively little about what are considered the classics.

In recent years, this gap in my knowledge base has bothered me, especially as it relates to Charles Dickens. The 19th century, especially the early 19th century, is my favorite period in literary history, and I had never read probably its greatest author in the English language.

This year, I set out to remedy that. I set a goal for myself that I would read at least five books by Charles Dickens before the end of the year. I read five Dickens novels and listened to a sixth one. I enjoyed them all very much. In fact, I think that I got a lot more out of them, coming to them as an adult with several decades of life experience under my belt, than I would have if I had read them as a student in my teens or 20s.

Over the last 30 years or so, The Muppet Christmas Carol has been many people’s first exposure to the work of Charles Dickens. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that my first impression of MCC was not particularly favorable. However, I’ve come to appreciate it more over the last 12 years or so.  Furthermore, I think that gaining a greater appreciation for Dickens over the past year has also given me a bit of a deeper understanding of and respect for The Muppet Christmas Carol (though I maintain that Dickens’ original story is much funnier).

The Muppets and Dickens go together so well in MCC that it made me wonder what other Dickens adaptations the Muppets could tackle. I started dreamcasting the Muppets in the Dickens novels that I have read (or listened to) this year, and I thought I’d share those ideas with you as a fun little treat before Christmas (or during Christmas, depending on when I actually get this written and published).

(Dickens spoilers beneath the cut: You’ve been warned!)

Oliver Twist

This is the one of these novels that I listened to rather than reading, and I want to emphasize that I don’t mean to sound snobbish by making a distinction between listening to a book and reading it. It’s just that, when I listen to an audiobook, I feel that I only absorb about 75% of what I hear. So for my purposes, I’m not sure if it should count towards my reading goal, but that’s not to say that listening to audiobooks doesn’t count as reading for other people.

With that cleared up, on to my Muppet dreamcast of Oliver Twist. Robin the Frog played the tragic Dickensian waif so perfectly as Tiny Tim in MCC that I think he should play the title role in Oliver Twist. Walter could also play Oliver, but I’d rather see him as the Artful Dodger because that would give him an opportunity for some character growth, which I believe Walter needs if he’s going to be a viable member of the Muppet troupe.

As for the villains, I’d like to see Uncle Deadly as Fagin (Uncle Deadly is always the best part of any Muppet production that he’s in, so I want to make a point of including him in as many of these as possible). Constantine would be perfect as Bill Sikes, especially if Robin plays Oliver, and at the risk of giving away the plot, that’s all I have to say about that.

Nicholas Nickleby

The book is called The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby, but for me, the most interesting, relatable, and sympathetic character in the book is Nicholas’ sister, Kate. When Nicholas’ and Kate’s father dies at the beginning of the book, their uncle Ralph Nickleby connives to find ways to avoid supporting them. His scheme to try to get Kate married is to invite her to a dinner party in which all the other guests are rich, eligible bachelors and essentially serve her up as the main course.

So as I was thinking about which Muppet could play the title role, I realized that there is already a character who has a canonical greedy uncle and a deuterocanonical sister: Scooter! I know that “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” established that Scooter’s uncle, J.P. Grosse, is dead, but Muppet canon is fluid. They could find an excuse to bring him back, or just bring him back with no excuse or explanation and let the pedantic fans fume/whine about it. And it’s high time that Skeeter got to be an actual puppet character in an actual Muppet production. As to who would get the honor of bringing her to life, it would probably be either Julianne Buescher or Alice Dinnean. Both are equally talented and worthy, but in my dreamcast, Julianne is already going to have plenty to do, so I would have Alice Dinnean play Skeeter as Kate.

Once the “Bachelorette” dinner party scheme falls through, Uncle Ralph arranges for Kate to work in a milliners’ shop, where she has to deal with an incompetent boss and a conniving co-worker (again, very relatable). I can’t think of a better Muppet than Miss Piggy to play the pretentious Madame Mantalini, and who better than Yolanda the Rat to play the duplicitous Miss Knag? Link Hogthrob would play Mr. Mantalini, while Kermit would probably play Newman Noggs, Nicholas’ and Kate’s close friend and advisor. Or, for a less obvious choice (but maybe, in some ways, more obvious?) we could cast Fozzie as Newman Noggs. Either way, we’d probably play down the alcoholism.

What do with Uncle Deadly? The most obvious choice would be Wackford Squeers, the headmaster of Dotheboys Hall, but I think Uncle Deadly is a little too suave for that role. In my opinion, he’d be better suited to play Sir Mulberry Hawk. I kind of think that Wackford Squeers should be a human actor, maybe Patrick Stewart (who’s actually from Yorkshire) or Michael Caine (it’d be nice to see him back in the Muppet fold).

About three-quarters of the way through the novel, Dickens suddenly decides that Nicholas needs a love interest and introduces the lovely, beleaguered Madeline Bray. In my Muppet dreamcast, I would give this role to Denise. I still feel bad for Denise that she never really got the chance to be a character in the 2015 series, so through all these dreamcasts, I am purposely looking for opportunities to include her.

David Copperfield

Charles Dickens expressly stated that, of all the books he had written, David Copperfield was his favorite. It’s one of my favorites too, but it does pose problems for adaptation, Muppet or otherwise, because it literally starts with the title character’s birth and follows him well into old age (though most of action takes place when he’s a young man).

David Copperfield offers an opportunity to deconstruct the Kermit/Piggy relationship, which needs to happen. I haven’t given Kermit much to do in these dreamcasts yet, but I can’t think of a better Muppet character to play David Copperfield. (They might have to dust off the adolescent!Kermit puppet from “Kermit’s Swamp Years” to play the young David, if it’s not too toasty by now. Or build a new one, I suppose.)

For those of you who don’t know, David Copperfield features a love triangle. I would cast Piggy as Dora Spenlow and Denise as Agnes Wickfield. If this Muppet adaptation ever got made for real, I imagine that those roles would be reversed (if Denise was even lucky enough to make the cut). However, I stand by my casting decision. Piggy and Kermit don’t make a good couple, and the world needs to understand that, even if they don’t agree with it. I’m sure Piggy’s fans and apologists, as well as Piggy herself, would object to her playing such a shallow, annoying character. I have better parts for Piggy in mind in other works, so I don’t feel bad for casting her as Dora. She gets to marry Kermit as Dora; what more does she want? (Probably to not die and leave David free to marry Agnes, whom he should have married in the first place, but this is my dreamcast, and I really don’t care what Piggy wants).

The character of Uriah Heep presents a fascinating problem from a Muppet dreamcasting perspective. The thing that makes Uriah so menacing is because he seems so innocuous and pathetic that people underestimate his self-serving, conniving nature. The trope of a seemingly harmless creature being unexpectedly powerful is one that Jim Henson used often, especially in his early work. Therefore, the perfect character to play Uriah Heep just may be…the Thingy-Thing who sings “You Are My Sunshine” in the Hugga Wugga sketch.

I’m feeling kind of guilty because so far I’ve only considered Uncle Deadly for villainous roles based on his looks, which is really not fair and not very Muppety, since another favorite trope of Jim Henson’s is “Things (and people) are rarely what they appear.” Therefore, I’d like to see Uncle Deadly as either Wilkins Micawber or Mr. Wickfield. I’m inclined to let humans be the monsters in Muppet productions, so I’d be satisfied to have a human actor play Edward Murdstone, David’s abusive stepfather. Nevertheless, the image of Constantine with those steel-trap jaws keeps popping into my head, and I think Constantine as Murdstone could work too.

A Tale of Two Cities

I don’t want to choose a favorite Dickens novel until I’ve had a chance to read Our Mutual Friend (Dickens’ last completed novel), but so far, I’ve gotten the most enjoyment from reading David Copperfield, Nicholas Nickleby, and A Tale of Two Cities (and A Christmas Carol, but that’s technically a novella). The climax of A Tale of Two Cities famously hinges on two characters having a striking physical resemblance to one another.

Now, if I were dreamcasting a human production of A Tale of Two Cities, I would have Tom Hiddleston play Darnay and Benedict Cumberbatch play Carton. Do they look exactly alike? No. Are they two phenomenally talented actors who look enough like one another that the audience could comfortably suspend disbelief? In my opinion, yes. This has nothing to do with my Muppet dreamcasts, by the way; I just wanted to bring it up in the hopes that putting it out there in the universe will somehow cause it to happen.

Anyway, the answer to the question of who would play Charles Darnay and Sydney Carton in the Muppet version of A Tale of Two Cities was so obvious that I’m surprised it took me as long as it did to figure it out: Kermit would play Darnay, and Constantine would play Carton. Carton isn’t a nice character, particularly, but he also isn’t a villain. Playing Carton would give him a chance to grow as a character; perhaps even — dare I say? — redeem him.

I’d have Denise (whose name is French, so that’s perfect) play Lucie Manette, who ends up marrying Darnay. Before the Piggy fans start howling, let me tell you that I have Piggy pegged to play Madame Defarge, a much bigger and better part. Meanwhile, I think that Yolanda would be hilarious as The Vengeance, Madame Defarge’s second-in-command. And if the Piggy apologists aren’t satisfied with that and insist that she play a good character, I suggest that she play Miss Pross, Lucie’s former governess and perpetual confidante, who performs a pivotal heroic act near the end of the story.

As for Uncle Deadly, I initially thought to have him play Monsieur Defarge who, though on the side of the Revolution, is not a completely villainous character. However, now I think that having him play Dr. Manette, Lucie’s father, would be an even better idea, giving him lots of opportunities for character growth.

Great Expectations

Last July, I was talking to my younger brother about how let down I felt by Great Expectations, and he turned my complaint into a mock Yelp review: “I HAD great expectations for this novel, but they were not met! 0 stars, would not recommend.” Which I thought was pretty funny, and also pretty accurate. The problem with Great Expectations is that it has essentially the same plot as David Copperfield but, in my opinion, is nowhere near as good. Or let me put it this way: It doesn’t start getting good until about three-quarters of the way through the novel. Ultimately, the payoff is worth it, but getting to the good part is so punishing that I honestly wouldn’t blame anyone who stopped reading before it reached that point.

I haven’t included Gonzo in my dreamcasts yet because I kind of imagined that he might revise his role from Christmas Carol and play Charles Dickens as the narrator in every one. But I do think Gonzo would be a good fit for the role of Pip in Great Expectations. And Miss Piggy would be PERFECT as Miss Havisham (or “Miss Havis-HAM”?!? Sorry, I couldn’t resist). Miss Havisham is one of the best female characters — dare I say, one of the best characters overall — in the entire Dickens bibliography, so neither she nor her fans would have anything to complain about. And obviously, Uncle Deadly would play Magwitch; a reformed convict who comes to love Pip as a son would be perfect for him.

Pip’s love interest is Miss Havisham’s ward, Estella. Her casting could go one of several ways. We think of Gonzo and Camilla being a couple, and Camilla could be funny because she could communicate by clucking as always, and her lines could be subtitled for those of us who don’t speak chicken. But I also think that Yolanda would be really funny as Estella.

Originally, Great Expectations had a poignant ending in which Pip and Estella decidedly did not get together. This ending was unpublished during Dickens’ lifetime. He revised it in favor of an ending that, while still ambiguous, strongly suggested that they would get together. Since Estella spends most of the novel telling Pip to stay away from her because she would be bad for him, I favor the original ending. But I only bring it up because whichever ending they used would influence my preference in dreamcasting Estella. If they end up together, it should be Camilla; if they don’t, it should be Yolanda.

Bleak House

Bleak House is the Dickens novel that I’ve read most recently. Though not my favorite by any means, I enjoyed it very much, but let me just say that the title is not at all ironic; the novel is rather bleak.

Like a lot of male 19th-century writers (some would say male writers in general, but I’m willing to be a bit more charitable), Dickens doesn’t tend to feature a lot of strong, well-developed female characters (Kate Nickleby, Miss Havisham, and Madame Defarge to the contrary notwithstanding). However, Bleak House is an exception, counting among its main protagonists the dignified Lady Dedlock and the resilient Esther Summerson, who shares narration duties with an unnamed omniscient narrator. In my dreamcast, Miss Piggy would get the chance to play a sympathetic character as Lady Dedlock (though Miss Havisham isn’t exactly unsympathetic; her actions are, but her motivation is not). And Denise would get a chance to play something other than the satellite love interest and grow as a character as Esther Summerson. I made these dreamcasting decisions early on when reading the novel, and the fact that they’re both pigs turned out to be even more perfect than I realized at first.

I didn’t give a lot of thought to dreamcasting the rest of the roles in Bleak House with Muppets. I think Uncle Deadly could play either the crusty but good-hearted Sir Leicester Dedlock or the self-sacrificing John Jarndyce. The thing about Bleak House is that it’s a satire on the British judicial system in the 19th century, so somewhere there must be a part for Joe the Legal Weasel. Perhaps he could even play the subtly villainous Bill Tulkinghorn?

Final Thoughts

In making these dreamcasts, I didn’t give any thought to the logistics of making another Dickens adaptations with Muppets. I’m not thinking about it in terms of what would be feasible; I’m concentrating on what I would like to see in a perfect world where money was no object and behind-the-scenes upheaval was nonexistent.

But if any of these Dickens novels were to be made as Muppet adaptations, they wouldn’t have to be done as puppet productions. I really liked those Muppets Meet the Classics novels, in which the possibilities are nearly limitless and Kermit’s voice inside my head remains intact. There have been no additions to that series since 2018, and as far as I know, there are no plans for any more, but there’s a wealth of material available, and not just Dickens.

Anyway, I thought that was a fun little diversion. I’m sorry I haven’t had much to share with you this year. Thanks for reading, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year. I hope to have some interesting stuff for you in 2024.